Teeth and new cars

Just got back from having a lovely dinner with some really great friends - two of whom were the marrying parties on Saturday where I acted as "best man". It was useful for me to 'get out' (not that I'm a recluse, by any stretch of the imagination) because I've been worrying all day about my impending hospital visit tomorrow for wisdom tooth extraction.

It's a perculiar thing, really. I've never previously* been bothered or experienced nervousness about anything in my life. I suppose I'd like to think that I don't get nervous now - certainly not in a cerbral or conscious sense, anyway. The 'nervousness' I experience is probably best described as anxiety - as it manifests itself in the form of an overwhelming feeling of nausea.

To try to add clarity - on Saturday, for my best man duties, I obviously was expected to prepare and perform my speech. Now, I was perfectly happy with what I had drafted and very happy about delivering it to a room full of close family and friends. However, the meal preceding the speeches was impossible for me to eat. My anxious sickness is so acute that the thought of eating food could tip me over the bridge to vomiting! I realise it sounds disgusting (and is!) but why does it happen?! Perhaps I have a deep-rooted insecurity or inbalance that is triggered by a chemical [Note: not mental] nervousness.

Anyway, I'm trying to force the imminent orthodentistry to the back of my mind by thinking about the arrival, next week, of my new car. The new car is - of itself - a miniature quandry in my own consciousness. I'm getting a very expensive, very luxurious, brand new BMW. I'm getting it because I love it [in a pretentious and materialistic sense!]. Surely, though, this isn't right?! Or is it? Is there something better I should spend my money on? Am I a victim of "label-culture"? What image am I portraying? What image do I want to portray? Could I over-question what is, essentially, a very important means for me to mobilise myself?

I know a few answers. I probably prefer not to think about some questions too much because it makes me feel greedy and possessory. I reassure my guilty conscience that I'll enjoy it and that it's ultimately very useful for me. The horrible thing is that there is a detestable part of me that will unquestionably start looking and thinking about my 'next' car after only a few months ownership. I think I should probably start to accept that - in automotive terms - my aspirations will always rest on the horizon and I doubt that, from behind the wheel of my Ferrari in my 30s, I'll be able to reach whatever it is I crave!

I think a large part of me feels very guilty about 'blowing' such a large sum of money on a car when I know my parents worked incredibly hard to achieve modest steps up life's ladder in their earlier years. I suppose one lives in the contemporary - so reaching out for whatever is available, at the time, is natural. For my parents that might have been a week's food shopping and for me that is a car. The balance still seems difficult to strike.

Well, I'm going to quickly amend my Fantasy football team for tomorrows fixtures and crash for the night...

* Previously meaning before my life-changing 'incident' of 10 years ago